Love is a battlefield

Where are you?

It’s Valentine’s Day. Do you know where you are in your relationship?

Are you in the honeymoon period? It’s a volcano of endorphins and hope.

Are you cooling down? When that honeymoon period is over. When that passion of the first few months ebbs, the other person doesn’t make us instantly happy anymore. But things are still pretty good, just a bit — dull.

Are you in the war zone? That frustrating, heart breaking place where we can’t seem to make our lover understand that we just need them to do the dishes or talk sweetly to us.

Are you here? That place where the decision to stay overrides the fear of discomfort and staying and forgiving opens the door to deep contentment. Here. In the moment. Here. Present. Here. Here. With me. Moving toward loving the world better, together.

Who is really fighting?

I need to tell you something important about the war zone: What we think is a battle between you and me is not. It’s a battle going on within ourselves, between the mind governed by the ego and the mind governed by the spirit.

Ego is the mind that would lead us to hell. Spirit is the mind that would lead us to heaven. Nowhere is the competition between them more fierce than in the context of intimate love.

When it gets uncomfortable, what are you going to do?

Will you listen when your ego says, “oh it’s just not the right relationship”? or will you listen when your spirit says, “you can be more honest; more kind; more vulnerable”?

What is your relationship for?

The purpose of an intimate love relationship is to do the very thing that we want to avoid. Its purpose is to aggravate our flaws so that we have the opportunity to evolve toward enlightenment.

When we accept that stuff will come up, we are better prepared to face it with commitment and grace. And when I say commitment, I mean commitment to ourselves; to our own spiritual growth.

Yes, that entails commitment to staying with the other person — forgiving and growing with the other person. But it is good for us. It is not a meaningless societal convention.

But when we use a relationship for ego purposes — to hide from loneliness; to entertain us; as a warm place to be until someone else comes along—if we have one foot in and one foot out, the despair can be deep and terrible. The stuff that comes up seems far far worse than it really is. It seems fatal.

So, when it gets uncomfortable, what are you going to do?

Will you pray for their happiness? Ask them how you can give to them? When stuff comes up, will you thank the other person for it? Will you slow down and share feelings and sensations? Or will you judge them? Will you measure how well they are doing at being the person you need them to be to make you happy?

Is your relationship for a reason, a season, or a lifetime?

Sure, intimate love relationships don’t have to last forever to be valuable and purposeful.

But saying “things didn’t work out” takes you out of the driver’s seat. It’s not that “things didn’t work”. It’s that you chose not to do your spiritual work.

Ending a relationship mindfully and honestly, understanding the lesson and honoring the other person for their part is a whole lot different from “things not working out”.

So, when it gets uncomfortable, what are you going to do?

Will you honor your Self? Or will you hide from the light?